Growing up...

My 15 year old daughter walked in to my room last night and said, "Mom, I think I've changed. I realize that I like you and I don't mind being around you anymore."

okaaaay.... "That's great," I responded. "What caused this change?"

"Well, I think I didn't like you while I was in middle school because I was immature and trying to be cool. But now that I am going in to high school, I'm much more mature. But mom, I have bad news for you."

"This all sounds pretty good to me. What could be bad?" I asked.

"Well, you have 3 more years of  'bad' coming your way."

"How do you figure that?"

"Because Sam (little brother) is going in to middle school and you know he is gonna be a terd."

I hear a loud screech from inside the house. I hear him saying something about "it's not fair," and I try to tune him out. I realize my son is having a hormone induced melt down in the back of the house. 

"Yeah, he is definitely going to be a terd," I said.

It's going to be a long 3 years...

The Middle Aged Woman...

When she has hot flashes she doesn’t sweat…she glistens.

She can stop her teenagers in their tracks with just one look.

Her bra size is astronomical due to Menopausal Boob Syndrome.

Her obsession with hot guys without shirts is excessive…but necessary.

If anyone messes with her kids she will take them down in an instant…while wearing heels. 

Her car is strewn with to-go cups and stray pieces of homework. 

She hides chocolate for emergencies…don’t even think of touching it.

The “worry” lines in her forehead are there for a reason…botox be damned.

She has learned that, indeed, her mother was right.


She can diagnose the causes of a mal-performing car just as well as she can diagnose her kids’ illnesses.

Her multi-tasking talents are off the chain.

She can’t believe she can still get pimples.

Sexy to her is watching a man fold the laundry, cleaning the house, or washing the dishes.

Who is she? 

She is The Most Interesting Person in the World – The Middle Aged Woman.

Coming home...

The kids have been gone for a week and it has been a long week. At first, I was so excited for them to leave, I was counting down the hours and the minutes before they left. Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out! "Oh, mommy loves you! Be safe! Call...if you need to!" The first few days they were gone, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. My identity is so tied to their schedule. I didn't cook and their was no laundry to do so I had free time. Fast forward two days later and I am loving my life of solitude! I had dinner with my girl friends, hung out with my mom and spent some quality time alone. It was great! Then as the week went by, I realized I was looking forward to their arrival. More than anything, I could hardly wait for them to come home!
I know I will get frustrated in the next few weeks, months or even days, that I don't have time to myself, but that is okay. I have decided that I will figure out how to balance my time between them and myself. Yeah, I know, it will most likely be out of balance, but I will figure it out. In the meantime, HELLO NOISE!!

This is an old story I wrote for another blog a while back. It took place back when Oprah was still doing daytime television...

MY OPRAH MOMENT


I happened to be watching Oprah yesterday and an announcement came on that there were only 25 more shows left.

What does that mean 25 more shows? 25 more show this year? This season? No. It meant there were only 25 more shows left PERIOD. No more Oprah FOREVER after the next 25 shows.

I was shocked. When had this happened? When did she decide to go off the air? And WHY didn't anybody tell me? Clearly I don't watch Oprah very often or I would've known that this was her last season. But how could she make this her last season? She hadn't met ME yet!

You see, for years I have imagined myself on the Oprah show. I see myself walking in from her right (like most of her guests do) and then she shakes my hand, gives me a big hug and we are both a bit teary, as we know this is an important moment in both of our lives.

Either you are laughing hysterically at my imagination or you get what I am talking about.

Anyway, on with my vision.

I am wearing my pink knit skirt, but without the matching jacket. A white fitted top and black heels. A little casual, but I don't want to overwhelm my audience. (stop laughing)

I sit down and the interview begins...

She wants to know everything about me. How I got to this point in my life. Is my book based on a true story and how has fame changed me? She gives me the entire hour because the topic of my book is so interesting to her and the audience.

It is everything I thought it would be. She recommends my book and it goes to the best seller list immediately. My book gives people hope.

How in the world I thought, was Oprah going to find me in less than 25 days? It then dawned on me that most likely (still holding out hope) Oprah was not going to find me and I would not be on her show. AT ALL.

Sigh.

I now have to learn how to move forward knowing there will be no "Oprah Moment" for me.

In the meantime, I guess I should finish writing my book. This would be helpful.

I wonder how long Piers Morgan is going to be on the air? Maybe I will have my "Piers Moment."

Stay tuned.

Life Is Too Short...

I have a really bad habit of putting other people's needs above my own. I am pretty sure I didn't do this before I had children or before I was married. I'm not married anymore, but still have the kids living with me. When I had a boyfriend, I put his needs in front of mine too. It completely annoys me when I do this.

Everyday is a struggle to make sure I stay in balance and choose to do nice things for myself. It isn't that I don't take care of myself, because I do. It's just at the end of the day, I come last and if I am out of time in the day and didn't get to myself, I am out of luck.

Life is too short to continue this habit. Tomorrow is another day. I know I will do better then.

Sad But True Life Of A Middle Aged Woman

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