Mucking the Stalls, AKA Finding A Loving Relationship

This past weekend, the kids were going to muck some horse stalls for a friend. I was chosen to be the designated driver, as I often am.

This adventure didn't sound appealing to me at all. It meant sorting thru some crap and moving it from one area to another. Sometimes the crap got composted and turned in to something really good. Sometimes it got stepped in and it stuck to your shoe for a while. Eventually you would get it all off of your shoe, but sometimes the stink stayed with you and you don't recognize that there was a stink. You just got used to it.

All of a sudden, I realized that this is exactly what a relationship is like.

The relationship that most people seek out is marriage or some other sort of long term thing. Once upon a time, a long, long, LONG time ago, I was married.

I didn't do the marriage "thing" very well. Most likely, I didn't enter in to marriage for the right reasons. Well, let me rephrase that. I THOUGHT I married for all the right reasons. After all, I did marry for love. Or whatever I thought love was.

What did I think love was? Hmmm....

I thought love was being together, laughing, financial security, stuff, vacations, acquiring more stuff and babies. Lots and lots of babies followed by lots and lots of baby stuff.

So, at the time, I believed I loved my husband. I believed that together we would achieve all those things. He was a good provider and seemed to have alot of potential. We both had a German background which seemed important to me. I thought it would give us alot in common. (Note to Self: You must have more in common than your heritage in order to have a healthy relationship.)

I was 27 when we met and I could hear my biological clock ticking! Back then (in the old days) it was important to be married by the time you were 30. All the magazines said so. Otherwise, the prospects for marriage were bleak! After a year of dating, I very politely let him know that I needed to be married by the time I was 30. It would be to him or to some other unsuspecting male. But 30 was going to be the drop dead date. No Ifs, Ands or Buts.

So, approximately 134 days before my 30th birthday, He signed on the dotted line and I got married.

Fast forward 17 years, (and alot of good Blog content later), I found myself single with children.

I was being tossed in to a world of dating and living the life of a single parent. I truly had NO idea what to do. I was eager to get started on my "New Life" with my "New Man."

Where to begin? Where would I find this new man?

My girlfriend, who was newly single at the time, introduced me to the world of online dating. Here was this gigantic collection of men that I could stare at and NOBODY would catch me doing it! Hours would go by and I would find that I was still scrolling thru profiles. Feeling as if I had no other choice, I entered in to the world of profiles, one liners and online dating.

CRAP.

I had grown up in the "meet a guy in a bar" generation (that was where I met my husband). What was I supposed to do with a profile page? I didn't think I was witty. I didn't think I photographed well and to HELL with describing myself. This was not going to be an easy option.

I created a profile that was sketchy at best. I didn't even put up a photo. I was terrified of what I would do if I did find a man! I knew I wanted to date and meet the "man of my dreams" but this was not going to be easy. I had kids and I had to make respectable choices.

Here we go.

I exchanged polite emails with a couple of guys but it all felt so very hokey. The one man I did like blew me off faster than I could blink my eyes. Believing I had committed some cardinal sin of online dating, I removed my profile and became a confirmed hermit.

Ah, if only there was a TV dating show like The Bachelor called The Divorced Woman with Kids...surely I would be the perfect contestant for that.

I was destined to be alone.

By some stroke of genius, I decided to get some counseling. I knew that part of the reason the marriage had fallen apart was because of my "baggage" (also known as my crap) that I had carried with me. So I went in to counseling and it was the best thing I ever did. The last thing I wanted to do was pile my "crap" on to someone else.

I learned the most important thing that I've ever learned in my life. In order to have a healthy loving relationship, I had to love myself first.

This IS NOT what I wanted to hear. I didn't want to have to "work" on myself. I just wanted to turn on some "switch" that would do the work for me. After heavy contemplation, I plunged in to the whole "loving myself" thing. I had no idea if it would work or not. I just wanted to be a good student, so I did everything I was told to do. And I mean everything. I wanted to be cured.

So began the daily prayer, positive affirmations, motivational books and tapes and meditation. These were all new to me, but I gave them a try because everything else I had done in my life wasn't working.

I was surprized when all of a sudden I found myself being alone and enjoying myself. I was feeling happy again. Not just plain old happy, REALLY happy! I learned to appreciate myself and actually LIKE everything about me. I didn't complain about ME anymore and I found that I was really funny and likeable. I didn't even mind being alone.

One evening, I was watching a movie. The main guy charachter in this movie was AMAZING! So amazing, that I knew I wanted a guy just like him: Sensitive, kind, caring, loving and supportive. Did I mention he needed to be sane? Yes, that was very important too.

I have a tendency to be "in the moment" when I watch a movie and I believed that this guy existed. After watching the movie, I went outside and I looked up in the sky. I said, "God, I want that."

 So I went to my counselor and told her about this movie and this guy. She said, "You know that once you believe this type of guy exists, you will find someone like that." My mouth dropped open! "GET OUT!! .........Really?"

"Really," she said.

I wanted that kind of man. So I made him one of my positive affirmations. He was a part of my daily prayer.

I don't know how it happened, but within 2 months I met and started dating my boyfriend. We've been together for over 3 years. Did I mention that my boyfriend is the same guy that dissed me on the dating site? Yes, I know. Small world.

When I was married I used to always say to my husband, "Why can't you just love me for myself?" It took me many years to realize that I didn't love me for myself, so how could anybody else? I had worked so hard to make sure my mate was happy and that his needs were being met that I forgot about myself.
This life of mine hasn't always been easy. I've made some poor choices that really bit me in the butt, but I continue to learn from myself and my mistakes and I allow myself to be human. I lost all of the "stuff" that I thought was important. It wasn't so important after all. Once all the stuff was gone, I found myself. Funny thing is, all of that stuff starts to smell after a while.

Everyone has to deal with mucking the stalls. We all have crap on our path. Sometimes crap really stinks and it gets stuck on your shoe. You get to decide what to do with it. I found that composting the crap and turning it in to something pretty is the best option for me. And remember, compost doesn't happen overnight. It takes time to turn in to something beautiful.

This is one of those lessons that I wish I would've learned in my 20's, but thank you God that I finally got it!

Note: I am no longer dating the boyfriend. I am happily single again. Once again learning to scrape shit off the bottom of my shoes...

Back to School

I have been waiting for 2 months and 5 days for summer break to be over and the first day of school to begin. In the last two weeks, I've actually had a countdown going on in my brain. And finally, today, the first day of school has arrived. We got up on time, took showers, packed lunches and backpacks and ate a good breakfast. We walked out the door right on time. There wasn't any traffic to speak of, it was just like any other day. I pulled up to my daughter's high school, it was her first day of the 9th grade. She jumped out of the car with excitement and joy on her face, she then turned back quickly to say, "I love you mom," and she was gone. I promptly began to cry because I realized there was no turning back. She was entering the world of a young woman and in 4 short years she would be headed off to college. I miss her already.

Growing up...

My 15 year old daughter walked in to my room last night and said, "Mom, I think I've changed. I realize that I like you and I don't mind being around you anymore."

okaaaay.... "That's great," I responded. "What caused this change?"

"Well, I think I didn't like you while I was in middle school because I was immature and trying to be cool. But now that I am going in to high school, I'm much more mature. But mom, I have bad news for you."

"This all sounds pretty good to me. What could be bad?" I asked.

"Well, you have 3 more years of  'bad' coming your way."

"How do you figure that?"

"Because Sam (little brother) is going in to middle school and you know he is gonna be a terd."

I hear a loud screech from inside the house. I hear him saying something about "it's not fair," and I try to tune him out. I realize my son is having a hormone induced melt down in the back of the house. 

"Yeah, he is definitely going to be a terd," I said.

It's going to be a long 3 years...

The Middle Aged Woman...

When she has hot flashes she doesn’t sweat…she glistens.

She can stop her teenagers in their tracks with just one look.

Her bra size is astronomical due to Menopausal Boob Syndrome.

Her obsession with hot guys without shirts is excessive…but necessary.

If anyone messes with her kids she will take them down in an instant…while wearing heels. 

Her car is strewn with to-go cups and stray pieces of homework. 

She hides chocolate for emergencies…don’t even think of touching it.

The “worry” lines in her forehead are there for a reason…botox be damned.

She has learned that, indeed, her mother was right.


She can diagnose the causes of a mal-performing car just as well as she can diagnose her kids’ illnesses.

Her multi-tasking talents are off the chain.

She can’t believe she can still get pimples.

Sexy to her is watching a man fold the laundry, cleaning the house, or washing the dishes.

Who is she? 

She is The Most Interesting Person in the World – The Middle Aged Woman.

Coming home...

The kids have been gone for a week and it has been a long week. At first, I was so excited for them to leave, I was counting down the hours and the minutes before they left. Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out! "Oh, mommy loves you! Be safe! Call...if you need to!" The first few days they were gone, I wasn't sure what to do with myself. My identity is so tied to their schedule. I didn't cook and their was no laundry to do so I had free time. Fast forward two days later and I am loving my life of solitude! I had dinner with my girl friends, hung out with my mom and spent some quality time alone. It was great! Then as the week went by, I realized I was looking forward to their arrival. More than anything, I could hardly wait for them to come home!
I know I will get frustrated in the next few weeks, months or even days, that I don't have time to myself, but that is okay. I have decided that I will figure out how to balance my time between them and myself. Yeah, I know, it will most likely be out of balance, but I will figure it out. In the meantime, HELLO NOISE!!

This is an old story I wrote for another blog a while back. It took place back when Oprah was still doing daytime television...

MY OPRAH MOMENT


I happened to be watching Oprah yesterday and an announcement came on that there were only 25 more shows left.

What does that mean 25 more shows? 25 more show this year? This season? No. It meant there were only 25 more shows left PERIOD. No more Oprah FOREVER after the next 25 shows.

I was shocked. When had this happened? When did she decide to go off the air? And WHY didn't anybody tell me? Clearly I don't watch Oprah very often or I would've known that this was her last season. But how could she make this her last season? She hadn't met ME yet!

You see, for years I have imagined myself on the Oprah show. I see myself walking in from her right (like most of her guests do) and then she shakes my hand, gives me a big hug and we are both a bit teary, as we know this is an important moment in both of our lives.

Either you are laughing hysterically at my imagination or you get what I am talking about.

Anyway, on with my vision.

I am wearing my pink knit skirt, but without the matching jacket. A white fitted top and black heels. A little casual, but I don't want to overwhelm my audience. (stop laughing)

I sit down and the interview begins...

She wants to know everything about me. How I got to this point in my life. Is my book based on a true story and how has fame changed me? She gives me the entire hour because the topic of my book is so interesting to her and the audience.

It is everything I thought it would be. She recommends my book and it goes to the best seller list immediately. My book gives people hope.

How in the world I thought, was Oprah going to find me in less than 25 days? It then dawned on me that most likely (still holding out hope) Oprah was not going to find me and I would not be on her show. AT ALL.

Sigh.

I now have to learn how to move forward knowing there will be no "Oprah Moment" for me.

In the meantime, I guess I should finish writing my book. This would be helpful.

I wonder how long Piers Morgan is going to be on the air? Maybe I will have my "Piers Moment."

Stay tuned.

Life Is Too Short...

I have a really bad habit of putting other people's needs above my own. I am pretty sure I didn't do this before I had children or before I was married. I'm not married anymore, but still have the kids living with me. When I had a boyfriend, I put his needs in front of mine too. It completely annoys me when I do this.

Everyday is a struggle to make sure I stay in balance and choose to do nice things for myself. It isn't that I don't take care of myself, because I do. It's just at the end of the day, I come last and if I am out of time in the day and didn't get to myself, I am out of luck.

Life is too short to continue this habit. Tomorrow is another day. I know I will do better then.

Sad But True Life Of A Middle Aged Woman

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Where Did The Time Go?

Tomorrow night, my daughter is graduating from middle school. I knew the event was coming up and we needed to go out and get a dress for her to wear. "It needs to be black," she said. "Okay, Aren't you a little young to be wearing all black?" I asked. She quickly responded, "Mom! I'm 14!" "Oh, right. I forgot."

We went to tj maxx, or some place like that and dug threw all the racks. I was looking for something with bows on it, while she had something completely different in mind. We finally agreed on a few dresses and off she went to the fitting room. I sat down to wait.

She finally walked out, and for a moment, I didn't recognize her. She was stunning. She looked like she was a young woman getting ready to attack the world. I swallowed quickly and tried to catch my tears before they showed up. "How is it?" she asked. "Its...great. You look amazing. Why is it wrinkled underneath? You need to fix the lining." She giggled and pulled up the skirt to show me she still had her gym shorts on underneath. That's my girl, forever the Tom boy.

She will give a speech tomorrow, as she is the Valedictorian of her class. I will be the woman who is sitting in a puddle on the floor.

Watch out world...my girl is coming.

A Letter To My Jeans...

Dear Jeans,

I was in the closet the other day, looking for something to wear. You see, a few days ago, Fall weather decended upon us and I wanted something to keep me warm. I saw you peaking out from the top shelf. It almost looked like you were hiding from me. I can't imagine why you would hide from me, when you used to eagerly await my arrival on the first day of Fall.

We have always gotten along so well. You were there when I needed something to make me look good. You were there when we slouched around on the couch together. And you were there when I needed something comfortable to wear to a party.

This year, I haven't looked forward to seeing you at all, so maybe, it was me hiding from you.

Why would I hide from you? Well, since the last time you cupped my butt so well, everything is different.

So it's not you...it's me who has changed.

You are still the perfect size that you have always been. You are perfectly worn in all the places you need to be. I remember all the times that I could just slip you right on, without any argument from me, or you. We've known each other for years.

I guess all good things must come to an end.

I know you must be wondering why our relationship needs to end, so I guess I owe you an explanation.

The past few months, I've made a few new friends. Namely, ice cream and heavy whipping cream. They have convinced me that we make a good combination. They make me feel good when I eat them and they never leave my side(s) once we have met. On the contrary, even when I exercise and I need a break from their side effects, they refuse to leave.

Someone recently mentioned the word "menopause" might be an issue with all these changes, but they quickly shut their mouth when I gave them the stink eye.

In addition to these new friends, I have had another big change in my life. Since turning 49, my friend metabolism has changed. This new metabolism has decided to slow me down. It has also decided that I should fill in and get a little bit curvy. Gone are the days of being skinny. Gone are the days of looking like I was in my 30's. I have been convinced, by my metabolism, that I must move on to another size of jeans.

I know the last few years have been hard on you, never knowing if you would slip right on or if it would be a struggle. If I'm honest, I won't miss the days of lying on my bed and trying to get you up my hips. Sometimes jumping up and down on my floor as I tugged you up my legs. Remember that time I put the hanger in the top of that hole in the zipper to help me get a grip on the zipper? I almost got hurt on that one.  I will not miss the days of having a little muffin top on my waist once I got you buttoned. That just looks scary. I'm sure it is scary for you too, being suffocated by all that extra skin.

So, I guess change is a good thing.

I will be sending you to another home where someone else can love you and treasure you just like I did all these years.

Good luck to you,

Sad But True Life Of A Middle Aged Woman